It was the summer of 1993. I would soon turn 23 and had completed my B.Tech. the year before. Since I was unsuccessful in landing a job right out of college, I had registered myself for the MBA course. Along with my regular post-graduate studies, I applied myself diligently to the preparation for subsequent interviews and written tests. I appeared and qualified in all the eight exams that I felt were suitable and my confidence levels peaked with each letter of acceptance that arrived in the mail. Just before heading home from classes, I had reiterated the luxury of having a job while pursuing higher academic goals to my close friends.
This indeed was a summer of happenings. We had recently moved into our very own newly constructed residence which in itself was a dream come true. When I arrived home, my mom was resting on the verandah and I had a hearty lunch. Just as I belched and burped to signal the end of my meal, my mom produced an envelope from SAIL and I literally jumped from the chair. She beamed proudly with a triumphant look while I tried to digest this latest attestation of my performance. I was invited to attend the training program for Management Trainees at Bhilai, with Durgapur being my eventual destination.
Once the enormity of the news sank in, I felt this strong need to share it with others. But I had no friends in the vicinity (remember, we were new in this colony), no chatty neighbors, no telephone connection and our home was pretty far from my extended family’s location. So, I remember blurting it out to the builder of our house who was the only familiar face there. And then I waited for my father to come home at night. I was on cloud nine – the feeling of having proven my mettle was all-encompassing.
July 20 was to be my last day at home. My friends were invited to an impromptu birthday/ farewell party while I made sure that I had packed well for my first solo journey away from home. I was functioning on an adrenalin rush and the gathering was a smash hit. Unwrapping their gifts and birthday cards late into the night did not tire me out. I even managed to squeeze in the movie 'Disco Dancer' that was telecast on Doordarshan and which I had waited for a long time, before succumbing to slumber.
My mom was constantly at my side while I dressed to leave the next day and as I carried my bags to the auto stand a couple of hundred yards away, she accompanied me. I was mildly irritated and asked her to go back home when I saw her anxious face and bare feet! My sense of euphoria was replaced by the practical comprehension of the journey that I had embarked upon. I would be completely on my own with no mom to come home to, I would miss my home and my personal belongings and nobody would care for me as my mom had done so far.
And to think that she did not say a word about her state of mind! I was her baby and to date, she was always a busy mom tending to her child’s needs and comforts. How she would miss my presence and how my memories at home would be vivid yet not reassuring! Her life revolved around me as I had never stayed in a hostel in my entire student phase and with me gone, she would take a while to adjust to me being absent. My entire trip to the railway station was filled with painful longing for my mom and shame for my ineptitude at gauging her situation.
My friends and relatives were crowding the platform to wish me well and it did serve to lift my spirits. They were extremely proud of me and their blessings and wishes galore reinforced my decision. I had an uneventful sojourn from Hyderabad to Durg with a break at Nagpur where I had to switch trains.
I was greeted by a welcoming group at Durg who guided our batch of incumbent trainees to the hostel and our rooms. Even though the environs were new, I met some old acquaintances and spent the evening in idle chatter. I retired for the night exhausted both mentally and physically and when I awoke at dawn, I sat bolt upright. Neither the window by my bed nor the scene outside looked friendly or personal. My doubts resurfaced with renewed aggression – why did I have to come so far away from home? What have I set out to accomplish in my life? Does forsaking my family, friends and hometown guarantee success in my profession? Will every morning be identical to this as long as I opt for a career with SAIL? Am I stuck with this scenario for a lifetime?
The sense of ‘not-belonging’ followed me everywhere – the only constant then was my loneliness. Though outwardly I was surrounded with colleagues and I was busy forging new friendships, I somehow knew that this would not last a long time. My time here was limited and I promised myself that I would make sure of that.